I know I don't give this blog the attention that it deserves, but you know; that seems to be happening a lot these days, I don't seem to be able to give anything attention.


This is what I wanted to discuss today, why can't I focus on anything unless it's on fire..... or falling apart. At first I thought it was the dreaded Menopause, and yes it does make you absentminded, and at time dimwitted. However I thought I would be able to conquer that with knowledge, HAHAHA.  Can't increase your knowledge on anything, if you can't focus.
So I decided to follow the guidelines, less caffeine, more water, meditation, prayer, changed diet, did I say prayer, because I do that alot. But the hot flashes still continue and the depression deepens, and I just cant focus.


I also went the neuro route, you know exercise the brain; read , do puzzles , have sex... did not work , still not working.

So now I am going to write about it, maybe my experiences can make someone laugh.....


I spend hours crocheting items that cant hold my interest for my than a minute after I am done, I read books I don't like just to be able to follow a storyline, and I cant watch any commercials, because then I cant focused on the program I was watching. My brain goes on a tangent, that seems to have a mind of their own. If is I see an  ad about soap this is what is triggered in my head, ooh soap, that would be nice to buy , and maybe you can get some towels, but not blue because the bathroom is beige and then you will have to paint. Cant paint this month because you would have to clean the room in order to move the stuff from the bathroom, and you did not see any bins on sale when you bought the soap , so you cant clean the hallway closet to put the stuff that's in the room away , Oh wait I didn't get the soap, what soap are you talking about. Now you get depressed because you cant remember why you needed to buy towels, and you didn't pay attention to the television and now the show is over.


This goes on in head all day. Example: I was looking for a pattern for a shawl , when I realized I had not posted in this blog for a minute, and I stopped to write this... now to remember why I am looking for a shawl pattern......told you menopause sucks....

Ever wonder what you would do in  a certain situation, in your mind you may have reenacted the scene several times and in every scenario you always come out besting that person or exacting the revenge that you long for. What happens when the actual confrontation occurs, well after tonight I can tell you that it did not happen the way you thought it would come out.
I have spent the last 12 months hating someone, not just any someone but a family member. I would sit  and think of the ways I would exact my revenge on him and his family, I can tell you that it went further than thinking, I was fantasizing and daydreaming  my retaliation.
I discovered one day that the revenge and bitterness I was feeling was changing me not just emotionally but physically as well. I decided to turn to the Lord, and as they all will tell you one of the steps in religion is forgiveness. Well I had a problem with forgiveness, why should I forgive someone who was so evil towards me. However in the face of faith I attempted to come to terms with forgiveness, was not easy. It was so difficult I had to dissect the definition of the word, before I could begin to study the actual concept. It was a long period of soul searching and releasing myself of the need to exact revenge. I told myself okay i can forgive , I think I will no longer be angry, vengeful or vindictive.

This where the situation comes back to you, this evening as my husband and I were about to see Person of Interest, the very person that I have killed so many times in my dreams, knocked on my door. I let her in, but I know that I was not being true to myself, I sat down and spoke to her for about three hours, and yes we discussed what she did to me, and yes I am still angry. I am now feeling confused, I told her why I am angry and how I was left to face the consequences as a result of her actions, and even though she apologized I am still angry. So I forgave her I think, all  I am sure is that I am still confused, still angry, and I didn't get to see my television program.